sigh-crazy.

The past few days, has had its shares of ups and downs.

friday, saturday, and sunday, i have spent with a kidnap in color, chelsea, and amanda. Went to a few shows, got ignored sometimes, and went to a kickass rave.

just one thing that really gets me, is when i see young highschool students at parties, getting drunk off their ass, or rollin up a blunt. I understand if they were seniors and almost out of school, but to be 16, 17, and doing that shit, is just fucking wierd. i mean, at least it is when you're with an age group of 18-23. it was just strange for me.

but i really don't have anything in depth to say, except, sometimes i feel as if i'm completely ignored.

part of this whole fucking weekend, i would speak, and noone would hear me. it was as if i was in another room talking to myself. so that in itself was a bit shitty.

but overall, the weekend was aggressive, fulfilling, and overall decent.

hope to see what this week brings.

=].

Mounds of fat.

I'm finally not sick anymore, just a little cough and drainage, so that's good. But then on the negative side, i missed so much shit in school. I have alot of things due, and i'm already underwater drowning.
Speaking of drowning-in my life right now, i feel as if i'm barely afloat. There's so much going on that i can't even keep up with the people and objects that matter the most. I've just missed so much that it feels that the only way to keep on track is to completely take myself out of social gatherings and just, focus on school. So here i sit, staring at a vast sea of books, paper, resumes, applications, and pencils and i feel myself going under, and i can't breathe. not at all. I'm in deep baby, with no way to get up.
Alors, i'm trying to become healthy in every sense of my life. So to start that, i suppose i should be more strict on myself, and only let what should be out-out and vice versa.

If you haven't noticed, theres just so many canvases to cover right now, that i can't even cover them in painting thoughts. I'm scattered brained, and this canvas is covered with awful colors and spatters of nothingness. Holy shit, my mind gets uglier everyday. So random, and dark and scattered. I could be talking about the sun and make it sound like someone died. Is that a talent-or a curse? How is it, that usually when someone become beautiful on the outside, they become grotesque on the inside? I wonder what i look like on the inside, because lets face it, i'm not that pretty on the outside. I have mounds of fat, and a plump red colored cheek. I'm overweight and getting more and more depressed because of it.
It really is funny how i am so against conforming-yet the media gets to me. Everyone is fucking skinny. skinny skinny bitches. I don't even enjoy sex anymore because i'm so fucking nasty. I really need to diet, or do something to gain confidence. I mean, i'm smart, creative, talented...and fat. It's just, whenever you add that word to anything it ruins it. What if my name was fat kara bo bara, do you know how many friend requests i would lose a day?


fuck, god help me be motivated to lose all this baggage.

Sigh.

It feels as if everything is happening at once to me, and the deadline is October 5.

I hope i can make it through this all, while maintaining a level head with compassion. I pray i can become the person i am on the inside, and make it show on the outside.

and i wish he wasn't so full of bullshit that he'd realize something it wrong.


sorry it's short.
i just have so much on my mind, that i don't want to face.