i know that i may seem ____.

Long time, eh?

2008-10-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

So, i've been grounded for about three weeks.

it's been really long, so that's why i haven't really written, anything.
nothing has been happening.

but, one, i'm not really looking to date, unless someone sweeps me off my feet.
i'm getting my first tattoo.

but, i get ungrounded this sunday.
then, i'll pick up with this shit again.

so long sweet summer.

sigh-crazy.

2008-09-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

The past few days, has had its shares of ups and downs.

friday, saturday, and sunday, i have spent with a kidnap in color, chelsea, and amanda. Went to a few shows, got ignored sometimes, and went to a kickass rave.

just one thing that really gets me, is when i see young highschool students at parties, getting drunk off their ass, or rollin up a blunt. I understand if they were seniors and almost out of school, but to be 16, 17, and doing that shit, is just fucking wierd. i mean, at least it is when you're with an age group of 18-23. it was just strange for me.

but i really don't have anything in depth to say, except, sometimes i feel as if i'm completely ignored.

part of this whole fucking weekend, i would speak, and noone would hear me. it was as if i was in another room talking to myself. so that in itself was a bit shitty.

but overall, the weekend was aggressive, fulfilling, and overall decent.

hope to see what this week brings.

=].

Mounds of fat.

2008-09-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'm finally not sick anymore, just a little cough and drainage, so that's good. But then on the negative side, i missed so much shit in school. I have alot of things due, and i'm already underwater drowning.
Speaking of drowning-in my life right now, i feel as if i'm barely afloat. There's so much going on that i can't even keep up with the people and objects that matter the most. I've just missed so much that it feels that the only way to keep on track is to completely take myself out of social gatherings and just, focus on school. So here i sit, staring at a vast sea of books, paper, resumes, applications, and pencils and i feel myself going under, and i can't breathe. not at all. I'm in deep baby, with no way to get up.
Alors, i'm trying to become healthy in every sense of my life. So to start that, i suppose i should be more strict on myself, and only let what should be out-out and vice versa.

If you haven't noticed, theres just so many canvases to cover right now, that i can't even cover them in painting thoughts. I'm scattered brained, and this canvas is covered with awful colors and spatters of nothingness. Holy shit, my mind gets uglier everyday. So random, and dark and scattered. I could be talking about the sun and make it sound like someone died. Is that a talent-or a curse? How is it, that usually when someone become beautiful on the outside, they become grotesque on the inside? I wonder what i look like on the inside, because lets face it, i'm not that pretty on the outside. I have mounds of fat, and a plump red colored cheek. I'm overweight and getting more and more depressed because of it.
It really is funny how i am so against conforming-yet the media gets to me. Everyone is fucking skinny. skinny skinny bitches. I don't even enjoy sex anymore because i'm so fucking nasty. I really need to diet, or do something to gain confidence. I mean, i'm smart, creative, talented...and fat. It's just, whenever you add that word to anything it ruins it. What if my name was fat kara bo bara, do you know how many friend requests i would lose a day?

fuck, god help me be motivated to lose all this baggage.

Sigh.

2008-09-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

It feels as if everything is happening at once to me, and the deadline is October 5.

I hope i can make it through this all, while maintaining a level head with compassion. I pray i can become the person i am on the inside, and make it show on the outside.

and i wish he wasn't so full of bullshit that he'd realize something it wrong.

sorry it's short.
i just have so much on my mind, that i don't want to face.

the words written.

2008-08-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

I've realized i just want to isolate myself from the world and slowly but surely replace everything about myself.
I believe since i'm completely redoing my room, it should help me get the attitude to redo my lifestyle. I'm not sure if anyone truly likes me the way i am now.

on to something else?

i've been thinking alot about words. Even the way they look is artistic. The different strokes and curves they create, opposite of the rigid diagonals. then the words and sentences flow together to make a thought seem legit on paper.Then that one thought flows into other thoughts and pretty soon before you know it, your life and deepest secrets are written in front of you, staring at you with a knife in your heart. Sometimes your thoughts feel to surreal to be true.

i feel as if words if not utterly the most important part of communication, tend to help people know more about you too. By using words in a formal sense, people will believe youre more educated, or proper. But when you use words like cunt, people look down on you, like youre ignorant. I feel as if that is a double bladed sword. I could use more "butch" words in their raw power to show how much this certain topic effects me. It doesn't mean i'm less educated, or from a bad background. It just shows the passion i feel for the thought we're talking about, and nothing more.

People need to get into a different perspective to see things to completely understand an idea. Don't just look at it from one angle, but many. Dont ban it from your everyday thoughts, until you understand why that person believes that. Thought and wisdom overcomes the ignorance of the everyday life.

what is your definition of a "friend"

2008-08-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

So, last night, i'm beginning to realize that i'm becoming a different person.
I still have some of the same interests, but other interests are increasing. I've also realized last night, that people are always going to let me down.
I'm tired of always being there for people, giving them advice, making them feel good about themselves, etc. When i do so much for you, what do you do for me? Seriously think about it. Yeah, so you may drive me somewhere, or buy me a drink...but that's all material. How do you make me feel good?
Fact: you dont.
I'm tired of you yelling at me, or you talking behind my back.
I'm tired of him using me up. sex,bands,this contacts or that one,sympathy. The only reason you fucking call me, "friend" is for something for you. Whenever i want something, what do you do? Oh yeah, that's right, you say no. As if i haven't done shit for you. Well that fucking stops here. I'm tired of being everyones bitch.

If you want something from me, then you better have a good idea on how you're going to make it worth my fucking time, because all you social climbers aren't going through me anymore.
I'm so fucking tired of being yelled at because of shit.
or because i tell you the goddamn truth and you just can't handle it.

all i have to say to everyone that's ever let me the hell down is a big fat FUCK YOU.

postscript-i think you two/three know who you are.
so own up to it, you know you're using people for your benefit.

obviously i never have good things to say.

2008-08-26T14:44:00.001-07:00

It's amazing that when you have so much you want to accomplish, and need to accomplish, you sit on your ass and do nothing.

I need to call this person, i need to do my chores, i need to work. But as i read this...i just want to sit here and stare into the computer screen looking for something to pop up and surprise me.
It never happens so i don't know why i do it.

But considering i do have alot of shit to do...example:

Call BMV
Register SAT
Register Voting
Find Mentor
Do Homework
Do Chores
Call Wendys
Take a Shower
and Read.

I should probably get up and do it.
sigh, lifes a bitch, huh.

what a bad influence.

2008-08-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

I do alot of actions in my life that i'm not proud of. but yet i continue doing them. Every time after i have sex, i say to myself, " that should last me a month or longer". But every time the time i can go gets shorter and shorter, and i find myself convexing into my desires.

I wish i could control myself, to step away from the cigarette smoke, not wanting another one. To walk away from a boy in his bed calling my name.

But the fact of the matter is, i can't.

They way the nicotine coats my throat while the smoke blows into clouds in front of me. The way the penetration rips into your insides, giving you a sense of pleasure. I have become accustomed to such ways of life.

I don't regret my decisions, only the fact that some people choose to follow me.
*I have friends that started smoking, drinking, or throwing away their dignity because they have seen my choose to do so.

As a friend, i can't stand to see you do it. I might be happy at the beginning that we have something we can do in common, but i will regret that you aren't aware of the fact you're doing it to make me feel happy instead of yourself. If you feel like smoking weed, then you smoke it. Want a drink? take it. Sex? sure, fuck the kids brains out.

But don't follow me, to be following me. I'm your friend. I walk to your side, hand in hand. Not in front of you nor behind you. I will help you through whatever it is you lust, but when your life is as fucked up as mine is, don't blame me for your pathway to hell.

* Just take a moment, and think to yourself-if the only time you do any of this, or talk about it, is in front of me, then you mustn't truly want this, you just want the attention myself and others will give you.